When we think about communicating effectively, we often jump to crafting the perfect message. But here’s the secret: the best communicators aren’t just skilled at speaking but masterful listeners. I constantly try to improve my listening, especially when my excitement sometimes makes me jump in too quickly. I turned to a question I often ask others: What’s worked well for you in the past? I reread my previous post, “Speak Wisely - Transformative Lessons from Listening and Observing”, and then I had another deep conversation (again with myself); I was reminded of my top five deep listening “hacks.” These have helped me elevate every interaction, whether on stage, in the boardroom, in a client meeting, or simply chatting with colleagues.
Five Golden Rules for Better Listening:
1. Uncover What Matters with “5x Why”
The “5x Why” technique is simple but profound: after each “why,” listen actively and encourage the other person to reflect more deeply on their response. You help them uncover what truly matters by guiding them through each layer. Try this with a client, team member, or friend; by the fifth “why,” you’ll often reach their core motivation. Initially developed by Toyota to identify root causes in manufacturing, the “5 Whys” can be just as transformative in conversation, helping you build empathy and trust - critical ingredients for meaningful communication. Pro Tip: After each “why” response, add a thoughtful comment before asking the next “why” - otherwise, by question three, your counterpart might start looking at you like a three-year-old.
2. Meet People Where They Are
When we encounter opposing views, diving into debate mode is tempting. But what if, instead, we focused on understanding why someone thinks the way they do? Meeting people where they are, building a bridge to understanding and collaboration. I like to imagine myself standing on a mountain peak; if I shout down to those in the valley about how amazing the view is, they won’t hear me. Instead, we need to guide them, step-by-step, up the path. This shift from confrontation to collaboration is also where extraordinary things can happen, and you never know; perhaps they know an even better mountaintop.
3. Build Trust Through Listening
Listening isn’t just a skill; it’s a way to build relationships. When people feel genuinely heard, they’re more likely to engage rather than defend. Aim to understand instead of simply winning the discussion, and you’ll find that conversations shift from transactional to transformational. Everyone wants to feel connected and understood; listening is one of the most potent ways to create that.
4. Use Your Non-Verbal Tools: Eye Contact and Openness
Listening isn’t only about what you hear; it’s about what you show. Making eye contact and offering a look that says, “I’m curious - tell me more,” sets a tone of openness. Practice using open body language and genuine eye contact to make people feel at ease. In our digital age, where devices can be a distraction, I switched to taking notes on my iPad several years ago so others can see what I’m writing. In virtual meetings, I’ll explain why I’m jotting things down so they know I’m engaged and not just distracted by my screen.
5. Adapt and Stay Flexible
Listening effectively often means adapting on the fly. Stay clear on your big-picture intent while remaining flexible based on what you learn from your audience. This way, you can adjust and connect where they’re most receptive. In my previous blog on interruptions, I mentioned that the first question from an audience is sometimes more of a statement. Recognize the value in their perspective and continue guiding the conversation towards your “North Star.”
Photo by Soundtrap on Unsplash
Bonus: Park Your Judgment - Uncover the Untold Story
Two years ago, I challenged myself to engage with people holding opposing views - not to convince them I was right, but to understand. This was one of the best challenges I ever took on. This challenge helped me discover a favorite technique: thinking like a journalist on a mission to uncover the whole story. The insights I gained were matched only by the depth of connections I built. Reflecting on the past week, I feel this practice may be even more essential as we approach 2025.
Listening with curiosity instead of judgment opens the door to genuine understanding. Instead of making assumptions, stay neutral and explore. With patience to dig deeper, you’ll often find the opportunity to take your topic or relationship from interesting to profoundly impactful.
This is precisely what stakeholder profiling is all about. In my very first post, I explained the importance of understanding the human insight of your stakeholders, a process that helps you know your audience - whether you’re speaking to one person or one thousand.
Action Step: Start Today
The next time you’re conversing, challenge yourself to listen fully before responding. Try “5x Why,” focus on non-verbal cues, and park your judgments. You might be surprised at how much better you understand and connect with people. At the very least, I promise you that you will have even more stories to tell after deep listening!
Listening isn’t passive; it’s a powerful tool that elevates communication and opens doors to trust, innovation, and growth.
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